Speaking from the intimacy point of view, there are guidelines that you need to understand and this is from both perspectives.As Muslims, we should be well aware of these things.
When a person has question regarding intimacy they do not feel comfortable to speak with imaam. They do not share anything about it with the brother they see in the Masjid. There needs to be a safe space. So we want to give you a general guideline in terms of what is allowed and what is not and the reason why we bring this is because one of the biggest levels of frustration is because of this improper intimacy.
These types of things need to be discussed among the teenagers and adults so that they are getting married in a Halal and in a mature way.
So first let us talk about what is Halal and what is Haram, the general script, the general point, and general rule when it comes to intimacy is that everything is Halal until proven Haram. When you look into the shariah, what are the things that Allah (SWT) has prohibited? And there are 4 things that Allah (SWT) has clearly prohibited.
No 1 is that Allah (SWT) has prohibited intimacy through the anus. No2 Allah (SWT) has prohibited intimacy when a woman is in her menstrual cycle and this takes the same rule when she has postpartum bleeding (i.e. bleeding during and after delivery) during that time it is not permissible to be physically intimate with her.
So the first thing we mentioned is that intimacy through the anus is clearly Haram and in fact this is something that there is consensus on that there’s no disagreement upon that this is prohibited, this is prohibited and is not allowed and the same thing applies to the 2nd as well that during menstruation and during postpartum bleeding, it is not permissible to have marital relation at that time.
They can (husband and wife) be intimate in a sense that they can hold hands, they can kiss one another, they can enjoy in every single way except for having marital relations.
Then comes no 3 is that a person should not be filthy, what does this general guideline mean? This guideline encompasses of two main things Ist is the way we speak with one another, so for example, living in our culture, there is a culture of being very vulgar while having sex.
That is not allowed in Islam, rather there should be a level of humanity and a level of dignity that needs to be retained. One of side effect of watching pornography is that you are developing a culture of intimacy that is not allowed in Islam. So from guild line no 3 we get that a person should not be filthy.
Then the fourth thing is that you are not meant to be wasteful and this is something that, you know you’ll find in the books of old that certain things that you’re allowed to use intimacy, certain things that you are not allowed to use in intimacy, so the question arises: are you allowed using food while being intimate?
And answer to this is yes as long as you’re consuming that food so for example, you know I am going throw out names of food, you figure out what to do with them, so when you talk about things like chocolate souse, you talk about whip cream you talk about those sort of things, these are things that are allowed to use but the at the same time a person should not be wasteful, a person should not just use these things and throw it away but rather you’re meant to consume them and not be wasteful.
Those are general guidelines and both man and women are differently oriented as far as intimacy is a concern. Now, what is the difference between the intimacy of a man and women?
For a man, he is very goal oriented, so for a man, it’s about doing the task and finished the task and that will give him a greater degree of satisfaction.
While when comes to women they are experience oriented. For women it’s not about finishing the task it’s about the experience.